in the wallet

when i was in my first year of university,in Main.. in my clic, my entourage, my boyz.. some discussion on sex came up and a pal of mine showed me his wallet.. something that i had never had done before( i don’t know if i was a late bloomer or wat.. i waited til i got to university!!???) he kept a condom in his wallet.. he told me that he always made sure that his wallet was stocked, just in case something happened.. just alittle bit later a discussion started among my boyz on which they rated condoms… there was a far way mention of the green Durex being a better condom than the blue Durex, but by then my mind had taken off and was busy scheming

that evening on my way home, i entered nakumatt downtown and at the counter got my self a pack of 3 condoms, of the green Durex brand.. i realised how expensive the Durex brand was after the lady behind cash register had already scanned the pack and my soda and the price loudly announced in green numerals on the cash register. i would have returned the Durex for the cheaper Trust,had it not been for the behind the register had already eying me in ‘that way’. i had this image in my mind of her starting to give me council on the importance of safe sex right there in front of everybody, rush hour everybody was in there trying to buy bread and milk for the next days breakfast. so i paid getting back bearly enough change to pay for the bus ride home

a boy can dream

the reason i bought the condoms was not because i had a regular screw, aka a gal…. no.. i had a dream that one day i would not become a virgin.. i was 18 at that time.. most of my friends had stories to tell and i had non that were actually based on reality.. so i bought the condom and dreamt of that day.. i had watched enough ‘movies’(research) to know which hole was which when the time came, but i was a really shy guy.. very very shy.. today gals tell me of the opportunities that i left pass me and i kick myself.. at that particular point and time, my mind could not just fathom how a male could go about the act of actually convincing a female to get under the covers(back seat, behind that building etc etc..) and commit the act.. to me it appeared that it was somehow a random act.. you know, it could befall any male at any moment as long as you were over 18.. and so i bought pack of 3, put one in my wallet and waited for my
turn to come..

7months later and still nothing..

i remember i was cleaning my wallet one day and found the condom. i began looking at that condom, (how the packaging was done, making sure that it was not past its expiry date.. etc etc) several months before when i had put it there, it had looked all nice and expensive. i remembered how back then i would have loved to show a gal that i was screwing her using the green Durex.. i thought it would have really impressed her…a Durex.. i mean it cost 8times more than the cost of a Trust… now it had become old, after being in a wallet that i sat on for all those months.. that day i gave up on random theory and tossed it without ever using it..

later, much much later, after i dropped my good boy and actually getting laid i did regret that deed. tossing a very good expensive unused condom. i had run out of condoms after having a very productive night.. that night i did something i had sworn i would never to do… have unprotected sex.. but through God, i did get away unscathed, my gal had to take morning after pills that day i swore that i will never make a girl go through that ordeal again.. and after several months of me loosing it, and getting the craziness out of me, i came back to my senses and became normal self.

so today my wallet is without a condom, rather it is filled with numerous id cards and membership cards.

enough of this i need to finish some assignments

the deep blue

……………potential………………

that is a mighty big word, POTENTIAL. i believe that i am capable of anything.. totally anything. that right now i can decide to go to the roof of pacific theaters(imagine i live next to a movie theater, tallest building for miles around) and jump.. yes jump, the concequences would be alittle nasty but i can do it. i could also leave the house right now. i have like $150 in my credit card and 500 in debit. that is enought to fill my tank almost 20 times(gas has become cheap, it now costs 14 bucks to full up my beautifull rusty old car). with that much gas i know i can drive far enough to get out of california state.. yet i choose not to.. POTENTIAL. i read somewhere that i cannot even begin to comprehend what i am capable of. i was pondering about it and saw how such a big sea it is.. not such a bad metaphor.. deep blue sea, with untouchable depths, with creatures and abstracts that would put piccaso to shame. vast voidness that is paradoxically full of unimaginables. the deep blue. so deep that it does not feel the great liners lying on top of it. so blue that it keeps the land from bursting to flames, so deep that it hides those… those things which at a glance remind me that i am not THE occupant, but just another creature, a creature that ganged up with other similar creatures and placed ourselves in a position to kill and distroy the other occupants of this earth.. my POTENTIAL.. or is it a small lake, one that is seasonal, annoying little swamp that only shows up when the rain is pouring, along with the mosquitos never leave their baggage deseases. that lake that dries up when the sun stares at it long and hard; as if in a game waiting to see who will blink first… i call them problems. the once fresh water mountain lake. that was fed by little trickes from the peaks when the rain poured and turned into a beautiful white mass once every year. at least that is how it apeared, naturing life in it, under the solid, still further past the freezing water. someone stil hoped, knowing that change is inevitable, just like the sun rising tommorow. but now ….. my POTENTIAL

lovable

we ultimately judge ourselves as lovable by amount of love we recieve from others (calls sms emails presents inviations... anything to that shows you that someone remembers that you stil exist on this planet). we know we are lovable by how we how show love to others and how other people repond and in turn, show us love.

so it realy realy sucks when you go out and do something.. something that that is going to better you (because every experience is a good experience, the outcome doesnt matter, but what you learnt from it), but somehow you end up hurting someother persons feelings. and because after the other person gets hurt, they take away their love...

end result you start seing yourself as unlovable..


remedy:

i have always felt that ultimately along the way of life, an individual must stand up and be counted and be willing to face the consequences whatever they are. if he is filled with fear, he can not do it. my greatest prayer is always? God to save me fear because when a person lives with fear of the consequences of his personal life, he can never do anything in terms of lifting the whole of humanity and solving many of the social problems which confront every age and generation

martin luther king

universe

if i decided to and master physics really well, such that i understood the nature of matter. i would come to discover that the atom i mostly composed of space..... SPACE.....? with a few particles orbiting it at speeds of light...
space filled atoms in diffrent forms making up the elements. these elements combining and form what you see as me talking to you..?

ok, it is easier to understand me, much more esier than it is to understand what makes me..

so say i decicated a large portion of my life trying to master me, practising Zen and those other things that would enable me to know what made me tick remove the limits of my boundaries, such that i would have the keys to allow myself to conquer the world, i would die one day, and turn to dust that forms the earth

say I dedicated I life to try understand the earth, such that I left something named after me... a legacy, like einstein, or newton, or rockafella...? such that i was able to manupulate ME to bring myself riches and power to control, after i died and as my whole generation passed away, my name would slowly be forgotten then hardly be mentioned.
someone elsewhere will come up with something bigger worth remembering than what i did..

let us say that i even choose to take on the solar system, so that my name is rememered for a longer period of time, what about the universe, with its billions of stars, what about the other universes....... why was i placed on this earth!