edge(modify)

it is another day again.

not just another

success reeks in the air

i just did it, just about to do it

i can feel myself getting lighter,

the knife getting sharper..

the sharp could not split everything

but now

nothing can come in its path..

focused, sharp.. unstoppable.. the sky is the limit..

i can smell something

something that needs to be cut

need to ready the edge

coz i know that it will sharpen it too

i was not using the cutting edge, but now it is sharp

mango juice

you know, that expression that God loves me, i do not feel it more than i am feeling it today. i am writing this post from my laptop. i would have done it from my new htc hermes, but it feels more exiting to use laptop. And now in retrospect, I can even laugh at what happened this morning.

I woke up really hungry, I mean 7 hours without food, i am a growing boy and i need my carbohydrates. So there was me ,in this homely picture of me looking over at sanjosegigs.com very exited at this site that is going to be the window to my next job, two slices of wheat bread(no margarine) on one hand, a glass of mango juice on the other, and with the other 4 fingers i was pushing buttons on the keyboard, peering at the screen.

Then it happened. There was this line from the printer that had kept on interrupting my keyboard movement from the hand with the mango juice, damn that juice was sweet… Then in a very bad dream like fashion, you know the kind where it is very dark and cloudy, with lightning flashing in the grey background, music playing from an organ, the printers USB line tripped my hand movement and in fuzzy vision I remember seeing half my glass empty the yellow liquid on my laptops keyboard.

I sat there for two minutes. For those two minutes I just looked. No thought whatsoever went through my mind, I think I was waiting to hit the floor, like I normally do when I have a bad dream and fall out of bed. Well, I never woke up.. When my brain finally kicked in and realized that there was no hard floor to rescue me, I did what one engineer had once told me. He had told me that if I was to ever get water on an electronic device, I as to completely turn it off and remove it from power and remove the battery if it had one. I was then to let it dry completely, even if it meant not using it for a couple of days, after the dry treatment the said device was to function just fine. He gave me this advice after I had called him about our TV. My mum had spilt water through the cooling vents during world cup season. As wise as she is she had then proceeded to turn on the Tv to see whether it worked... she told us only smoke came out, the TV did not even come on. That weekend she was not the most popular person with us. The advice from the engineer came a little bit late for our TV but I remembered and used it quite a number of times... and in all those times up to the second last one where my phone dropped into a pitcher full of water, non of them worked. I remember my K750 screen going white and I lost half of my contacts.

Back to today. After the realization that this was the real thing and seeing that i was not dreaming in any way, my brain kicked into high gear. the two cell phones that i had been unable to save had given me enough practice to know what to do . Immediately reached for the power button. Once off I went and grabbed a few paper towels, two trips back to the paper towel roll in the kitchen, I realized that i probably needed the whole roll. in the end i just tilted the computer on its side and then just let the yellow juice pour onto the table... #i shudder just to think of it#

long story, but eventually I but had to leave the house to go to work. I left the computer in front of a HVC(high velocity fan) eight hours later and i am typing my blog from its keyboard.. I guess Compaq's are really built to last. There is still little stickiness when I type from the sugar but other than that and the comp smelling like sweet mango, there is nothing wrong with it...

Empting your glass of juice on a one year old comp, that is has been supped up with just about everything is not one of the brightest things to do..... again i say GOD LOVES ME!!!!!! lemme leave now and so that i can go play with my new htc hermes.

note to self: when you are working on the laptop do not have any food or drinks around

celeb

some of the perks of working as a security guard, my new site is really cool. i am getting to see how the rich live and how they spend their money. something i am learning, most of all they are human and most of them have a very highly developed interpersonal skills. i have not yet seen any faces i recognize but expect to see a couple of familiar faces this weekend.

i had no idea that this place existed till the office called and told me about this gig that where i could earn myself some good money. Today I told the other guys in the van (quite a comfortable one if i should add, baby's mama is going to get one of this) as we were driving back that not too far in the future i am going to drive myself those curvy roads in one of this to the gate and show them my membership card..

tomorrow no work, there is this little test i have to sit for.. i will take English 1B for spring sem. all the other courses will remain the same.. i still don't have a place to say. i called Nate today and she sent me a few links from craigslist. one place i had we had already seen with my mum last week. the other place i will check out after i am done with the test.. my mum is not around this weekend so i will be doing this alone.

eager as i was to get home today, the phone has not yet gotten here. 2 day mail is 2 day mail, fedex promised!!! I failed to print the online receipt so i am not sure how i am going to get my rebate. i talked to Phil today morning so i am hoping he signed for it. i will check on him in the morning.. scratch that, evening. i will be leaving this place at 7am and i don't want any distractions. it is a good thing i did not get the phone tonight or it will be like that time i got the k750.. so tomorrow night, i cant hardly wait, but tonight i will go through the WST and make sure that I set to pass……

me

Five minutes

that's all that available

turn on the iron

press the shoe

Me has very far to go

Ti’s time to do it all over again

Me has burst forth never to go back again

Two days before know

Anxiety flowed

during training

the impression did not stamp

But yesterday a new leaf,

Like the one that fell when that plane was boarded

A leaf green with life

Contoured with valleys of optism….

The bird robin chirped it references.

but the truth is, one day before know

It felt like a mould had been dropped on

Crushing and shaping

Bursting from the seams; me came forth

that is what everybody sees when they take time to listen

I saw it once on paper

Newness reveals one true self

If that is gospel then the label is character

First time there was on this stage, a mirror stood before

The theater was located in South C

Bursting forth he came

And turned on Technicolor in the other them-s

That hang around to see what me would do.

So me is back

a smile face forms;

when in feel heart pushing him thro the veins,

throbing with dexterity

I can see him every time I get to peer

at any event that is not like the one last week

at them-s faces

I will make him stay

He will stay…….

I like the way

When them-s look and the see

And yell at him ‘see ya tommorow’ when me leaves

They cannot tell who it is

What me is just about to do

What me is going to do

Because me is going to do it

like no other them has ever done it

me’s five minutes are up

time to turn on the iron

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internet

this is a good day, birds are singing, the sun is up.. tommorow basketball, then i hit the mall, i need to get myself some clothes………..

it is almost 3 o clock again.. i slept untill 12pm, then i woke up and started watching tv.. for two hours, now the day is over.. reason i slept so late!! i was on the internet…

reason i did not get anything done, i was on the internet.. so this week i am going to monitor how much time i spend on the internet doing what!! i am wasting alot of time there……

ORGANIZED THOUGHT ..

patrotism

Yesterday was forth of July, in my neighborhood it was a big deal. Three day ago while at work I met this African American who was from LA, he described my county as being 'country'. I would not exactly describe it as being country although it is marketed as wine country.. It is more rural urban.. So anyway the fact that we fall in the 'country category, 4 of july is really a big deal. I live in apartments in the outskirts of the city and yesterday it looked like all the residents had taken time off.. I have never seen all of them at home like that, it has always seemed to me that they are always somewhere pursuing money

One of my neighbors from down stairs, one Californian born Californian bread white man of about 70something decided to throw a barbeque party. He tries very hard to keep social with me, in fact at one time my ol'lady got worried that he may be in fact a child molester…. I actually burst out laughing considering how not a child I am.. Plus he is somewhat cool, he drives a 1950 something el Camino. One time when he was replacing his battery, I got to look at his trucks engine and saw he had put in a HOT ROD air filter.. Really cool...So I was invited to the party although I did not attend, that day I was not in the mood to hang out with the drunk neighbors.

I had noticed earlier in the day he had hung an American flag from our balcony, you know just like the average patriot he is.. During the barbeque they kept on talking about the American revolution, they were making a hell lot of noise and I would hear them talking about the American revolution.. During the day he played the Kenyan cd I had given him. It was really cool to hear one of my neighbours, some chic who work s for the company that owns our apartments saying that she wanted to get the sana sana track for her ipod.. It got me thinking of how good some Kenyan merchandise is and how and how they would have a huge market outside Kenya…

Well, I am moving in a few weeks, I have to do some planning.. And that means me getting off the internet..

in the wallet

when i was in my first year of university,in Main.. in my clic, my entourage, my boyz.. some discussion on sex came up and a pal of mine showed me his wallet.. something that i had never had done before( i don’t know if i was a late bloomer or wat.. i waited til i got to university!!???) he kept a condom in his wallet.. he told me that he always made sure that his wallet was stocked, just in case something happened.. just alittle bit later a discussion started among my boyz on which they rated condoms… there was a far way mention of the green Durex being a better condom than the blue Durex, but by then my mind had taken off and was busy scheming

that evening on my way home, i entered nakumatt downtown and at the counter got my self a pack of 3 condoms, of the green Durex brand.. i realised how expensive the Durex brand was after the lady behind cash register had already scanned the pack and my soda and the price loudly announced in green numerals on the cash register. i would have returned the Durex for the cheaper Trust,had it not been for the behind the register had already eying me in ‘that way’. i had this image in my mind of her starting to give me council on the importance of safe sex right there in front of everybody, rush hour everybody was in there trying to buy bread and milk for the next days breakfast. so i paid getting back bearly enough change to pay for the bus ride home

a boy can dream

the reason i bought the condoms was not because i had a regular screw, aka a gal…. no.. i had a dream that one day i would not become a virgin.. i was 18 at that time.. most of my friends had stories to tell and i had non that were actually based on reality.. so i bought the condom and dreamt of that day.. i had watched enough ‘movies’(research) to know which hole was which when the time came, but i was a really shy guy.. very very shy.. today gals tell me of the opportunities that i left pass me and i kick myself.. at that particular point and time, my mind could not just fathom how a male could go about the act of actually convincing a female to get under the covers(back seat, behind that building etc etc..) and commit the act.. to me it appeared that it was somehow a random act.. you know, it could befall any male at any moment as long as you were over 18.. and so i bought pack of 3, put one in my wallet and waited for my
turn to come..

7months later and still nothing..

i remember i was cleaning my wallet one day and found the condom. i began looking at that condom, (how the packaging was done, making sure that it was not past its expiry date.. etc etc) several months before when i had put it there, it had looked all nice and expensive. i remembered how back then i would have loved to show a gal that i was screwing her using the green Durex.. i thought it would have really impressed her…a Durex.. i mean it cost 8times more than the cost of a Trust… now it had become old, after being in a wallet that i sat on for all those months.. that day i gave up on random theory and tossed it without ever using it..

later, much much later, after i dropped my good boy and actually getting laid i did regret that deed. tossing a very good expensive unused condom. i had run out of condoms after having a very productive night.. that night i did something i had sworn i would never to do… have unprotected sex.. but through God, i did get away unscathed, my gal had to take morning after pills that day i swore that i will never make a girl go through that ordeal again.. and after several months of me loosing it, and getting the craziness out of me, i came back to my senses and became normal self.

so today my wallet is without a condom, rather it is filled with numerous id cards and membership cards.

enough of this i need to finish some assignments

the deep blue

……………potential………………

that is a mighty big word, POTENTIAL. i believe that i am capable of anything.. totally anything. that right now i can decide to go to the roof of pacific theaters(imagine i live next to a movie theater, tallest building for miles around) and jump.. yes jump, the concequences would be alittle nasty but i can do it. i could also leave the house right now. i have like $150 in my credit card and 500 in debit. that is enought to fill my tank almost 20 times(gas has become cheap, it now costs 14 bucks to full up my beautifull rusty old car). with that much gas i know i can drive far enough to get out of california state.. yet i choose not to.. POTENTIAL. i read somewhere that i cannot even begin to comprehend what i am capable of. i was pondering about it and saw how such a big sea it is.. not such a bad metaphor.. deep blue sea, with untouchable depths, with creatures and abstracts that would put piccaso to shame. vast voidness that is paradoxically full of unimaginables. the deep blue. so deep that it does not feel the great liners lying on top of it. so blue that it keeps the land from bursting to flames, so deep that it hides those… those things which at a glance remind me that i am not THE occupant, but just another creature, a creature that ganged up with other similar creatures and placed ourselves in a position to kill and distroy the other occupants of this earth.. my POTENTIAL.. or is it a small lake, one that is seasonal, annoying little swamp that only shows up when the rain is pouring, along with the mosquitos never leave their baggage deseases. that lake that dries up when the sun stares at it long and hard; as if in a game waiting to see who will blink first… i call them problems. the once fresh water mountain lake. that was fed by little trickes from the peaks when the rain poured and turned into a beautiful white mass once every year. at least that is how it apeared, naturing life in it, under the solid, still further past the freezing water. someone stil hoped, knowing that change is inevitable, just like the sun rising tommorow. but now ….. my POTENTIAL

lovable

we ultimately judge ourselves as lovable by amount of love we recieve from others (calls sms emails presents inviations... anything to that shows you that someone remembers that you stil exist on this planet). we know we are lovable by how we how show love to others and how other people repond and in turn, show us love.

so it realy realy sucks when you go out and do something.. something that that is going to better you (because every experience is a good experience, the outcome doesnt matter, but what you learnt from it), but somehow you end up hurting someother persons feelings. and because after the other person gets hurt, they take away their love...

end result you start seing yourself as unlovable..


remedy:

i have always felt that ultimately along the way of life, an individual must stand up and be counted and be willing to face the consequences whatever they are. if he is filled with fear, he can not do it. my greatest prayer is always? God to save me fear because when a person lives with fear of the consequences of his personal life, he can never do anything in terms of lifting the whole of humanity and solving many of the social problems which confront every age and generation

martin luther king

universe

if i decided to and master physics really well, such that i understood the nature of matter. i would come to discover that the atom i mostly composed of space..... SPACE.....? with a few particles orbiting it at speeds of light...
space filled atoms in diffrent forms making up the elements. these elements combining and form what you see as me talking to you..?

ok, it is easier to understand me, much more esier than it is to understand what makes me..

so say i decicated a large portion of my life trying to master me, practising Zen and those other things that would enable me to know what made me tick remove the limits of my boundaries, such that i would have the keys to allow myself to conquer the world, i would die one day, and turn to dust that forms the earth

say I dedicated I life to try understand the earth, such that I left something named after me... a legacy, like einstein, or newton, or rockafella...? such that i was able to manupulate ME to bring myself riches and power to control, after i died and as my whole generation passed away, my name would slowly be forgotten then hardly be mentioned.
someone elsewhere will come up with something bigger worth remembering than what i did..

let us say that i even choose to take on the solar system, so that my name is rememered for a longer period of time, what about the universe, with its billions of stars, what about the other universes....... why was i placed on this earth!