the deep blue

……………potential………………

that is a mighty big word, POTENTIAL. i believe that i am capable of anything.. totally anything. that right now i can decide to go to the roof of pacific theaters(imagine i live next to a movie theater, tallest building for miles around) and jump.. yes jump, the concequences would be alittle nasty but i can do it. i could also leave the house right now. i have like $150 in my credit card and 500 in debit. that is enought to fill my tank almost 20 times(gas has become cheap, it now costs 14 bucks to full up my beautifull rusty old car). with that much gas i know i can drive far enough to get out of california state.. yet i choose not to.. POTENTIAL. i read somewhere that i cannot even begin to comprehend what i am capable of. i was pondering about it and saw how such a big sea it is.. not such a bad metaphor.. deep blue sea, with untouchable depths, with creatures and abstracts that would put piccaso to shame. vast voidness that is paradoxically full of unimaginables. the deep blue. so deep that it does not feel the great liners lying on top of it. so blue that it keeps the land from bursting to flames, so deep that it hides those… those things which at a glance remind me that i am not THE occupant, but just another creature, a creature that ganged up with other similar creatures and placed ourselves in a position to kill and distroy the other occupants of this earth.. my POTENTIAL.. or is it a small lake, one that is seasonal, annoying little swamp that only shows up when the rain is pouring, along with the mosquitos never leave their baggage deseases. that lake that dries up when the sun stares at it long and hard; as if in a game waiting to see who will blink first… i call them problems. the once fresh water mountain lake. that was fed by little trickes from the peaks when the rain poured and turned into a beautiful white mass once every year. at least that is how it apeared, naturing life in it, under the solid, still further past the freezing water. someone stil hoped, knowing that change is inevitable, just like the sun rising tommorow. but now ….. my POTENTIAL

lovable

we ultimately judge ourselves as lovable by amount of love we recieve from others (calls sms emails presents inviations... anything to that shows you that someone remembers that you stil exist on this planet). we know we are lovable by how we how show love to others and how other people repond and in turn, show us love.

so it realy realy sucks when you go out and do something.. something that that is going to better you (because every experience is a good experience, the outcome doesnt matter, but what you learnt from it), but somehow you end up hurting someother persons feelings. and because after the other person gets hurt, they take away their love...

end result you start seing yourself as unlovable..


remedy:

i have always felt that ultimately along the way of life, an individual must stand up and be counted and be willing to face the consequences whatever they are. if he is filled with fear, he can not do it. my greatest prayer is always? God to save me fear because when a person lives with fear of the consequences of his personal life, he can never do anything in terms of lifting the whole of humanity and solving many of the social problems which confront every age and generation

martin luther king

universe

if i decided to and master physics really well, such that i understood the nature of matter. i would come to discover that the atom i mostly composed of space..... SPACE.....? with a few particles orbiting it at speeds of light...
space filled atoms in diffrent forms making up the elements. these elements combining and form what you see as me talking to you..?

ok, it is easier to understand me, much more esier than it is to understand what makes me..

so say i decicated a large portion of my life trying to master me, practising Zen and those other things that would enable me to know what made me tick remove the limits of my boundaries, such that i would have the keys to allow myself to conquer the world, i would die one day, and turn to dust that forms the earth

say I dedicated I life to try understand the earth, such that I left something named after me... a legacy, like einstein, or newton, or rockafella...? such that i was able to manupulate ME to bring myself riches and power to control, after i died and as my whole generation passed away, my name would slowly be forgotten then hardly be mentioned.
someone elsewhere will come up with something bigger worth remembering than what i did..

let us say that i even choose to take on the solar system, so that my name is rememered for a longer period of time, what about the universe, with its billions of stars, what about the other universes....... why was i placed on this earth!